This is probably one of my most vulnerable writings but a strong desire to speak on this topic has been burning in me. Rejection – a poison that touches every single one of us in some way. Whether we are rejected from birth by being an unwanted child or we are rejected by people around us – it hurts, it damages, it isolates us and it makes us weak.
What is rejection?
Simply put rejection is hindered ability to receive love, comfort or sense of belonging. Humans have high need for love, which is our fuel, our motivator and what we live for. Hindered ability to receive love damages us to the core. I would like to share my story of living with, recognizing and overcoming rejection in hopes that it may lead someone to freedom. (Everything highlighted in bold below is an entry-point of rejection into my life).
I was the first child in the family and was born during the time when my parents were building their careers, education and striving to accomplish a bright future for our family. This was a busy time for them and I was often left with grandmother, babysitters, daycare, and when I got older I was left alone at home often. As I began to build relationships outside of my family I experienced fights with my friends, betrayal, rejected by boys when relationships ended or I was cheated on. I was rejected by teachers when my work was not good enough and so on. In school I especially struggled with handwriting – it was always so bad (thank God for computers these days!) but I struggled to write neat and legible and I got in so much trouble both from teachers and parents. I remember being compared to other students, long hours of being punished with writing words and sentences until my hand hurt. I remember constantly having a blister on one of my fingers from working so hard on my handwriting at school and at home. Well, nothing worked and to this day I have horrible handwriting. The only thing that did stick with me is insecurity about my handwriting, shame for being so bad and not good enough. This is how rejection works – a small thing, a small seed enters your mind and it just GROWS. To many of you my handwriting story may seem insignificant, but to me it is so real – as I write this I still feel pain from that experience and I am reminded of it every time I see my own handwriting.
In 2002 my family immigrated to US and we settled in a beautiful town Seattle, WA. This was my American dream, life is supposed to be amazing here. I went to school right away and collided head on with BULLYING! I did not speak english much, therefore I was kids favorite person to pick on. We didn’t have much money so I shopped at thrift stores (before thrifting was cool) so I was constantly made fun of in regards to my clothing, appearance, my inability to communicate or relate to others. I was alone, unhappy and struggling. I remember a counselor in Junior high school somehow found out about kids bullying me in regards to clothing. She took me and another immigrant friend of mine on a shopping spree to Ross and PaylessShoes. I will remember that woman for the rest of my life, what she did for me that day was beyond kindness. She is the reason why I want to dedicate my life’s career to becoming a counselor myself. She wasn’t my mother, but she cared and she extended that care to me. I remember walking into the school with my head held high in my new pink sweatsuit and white sneakers, feeling on top of the World and SECURE! Bullying subsided as I learned english, my parents got better jobs and I was working as well and we were finally able to afford better things. With my english improving kids realized that I can be fun and I finished High School with many friends 🙂
About 5 years after we immigrated to US leaving all our relatives behind. My parents divorced and though that more rejection flooded my heart. My dad left us on New Years Day, which in itself took away a lot from me. New Years is a big holiday for slavic people, growing up I remember preparing for days in advance and having the most amazing dinner, gifts and being surrounded by family for two days straight. Staying up all night long was a huge bonus too! Let’s just say New Years had not been the same for me ever since. After their divorce I began seeking to fill my longing for love. I turned to boys, parties, work, alcohol, and soon drugs. I was chaotic, carefree and destructive. Every night I would fall asleep longing for love, unfulfilled no matter how hard I tried. Every night I dozed off into that pillow with a heavy and rejected heart, except at that time I did not know it was rejection. See, I got so used to living with it that rejection became my best friend, my safety zone. I isolated myself and built such strong walls around my heart making sure that no one would get inside and hurt me again. Those walls were built out of hurts, pains, fears and disappointments of my life. It was like a living monument that hid my heart, took away my ability to love and to be loved. It was one thing I looked at to define who I was. I became a slave of longing for love, chasing every shiny thing that reminded me of love. I look back at those years with sadness and regret. I lived in this prison of rejection for majority of my life.
Then, things finally began to change.
It was many years later, I became a Christian; I got married to an amazing, loving husband; we were blessed with children, wonderful home, education, careers, friends, family around us. I finally reached my “American dream” by working so hard towards it. However, I still fell asleep crying on the inside. I still felt alone. I was constantly under severe fear that I don’t deserve this happiness, that my family and all these blessings will be taken away from me any minute. I KNEW my family loved me, but I DID NOT feel it with my heart. I KNEW Jesus loved me, but it was all just in my head, I could not FEEL it with my heart. It was as if I changed one trap for another, but I was still trapped. I shared once with a group of girlfriends that I don’t feel love nor can I feel me expressing genuine love towards my kids and husband, and they laughed. They did not understand it, they did not have this problem. I was alone, again and always, alone. Sometime after this incident my mentor suggested that I may be the victim of rejection. I was first embarrassed, then shocked, then I got curious and googled it. What I found raised hairs in the back of my head. I read the article about signs that you may be struggling with rejection and I realized that it was completely about me! It included things I was battling with but could not overcome no matter how hard I tried. As if someone posted my secret list of things I want to change about myself – on google! Here it is:
- You find yourself comparing your circumstances or situations with others, and you never seem to measure up.
- You feel like you missed out on life’s opportunities and now it’s too late.
- No amount of encouragement is enough to convince you of your worth.
- You feel rejected if you are not greeted or acknowledged by leadership.
- You constantly seek the approval of others and struggle with people pleasing.
- You are easily offended or embarrassed from discipline or correction.
- You are always trying to prove yourself in public.
- You feel like you are on the outside looking in during interactions with people.
- You think you could do a better job than the current leader or teacher if you are given the opportunity.
- You believe no one understands you, or what you are going through
- You isolate yourself.
- You believe God has rejected you ( loves others more or instead of you).
- You don’t allow others to see or know about things that are dear to your heart.
- You struggle with fear that people will reject or abandon you.
All of the things above related to me and severely impacted my life. Although not many knew about it. Isolation was my best friend and I secretly waited for that day when everyone would abandon me. My family really struggled from me constantly isolating myself. As life went on rejection was building on from one incident to another like cake layers getting bigger and bigger in my heart and I wanted to isolate more and more. I remember an especially dark season of depression and hopelessness during which I cried out to God, sat down on my knees in the darkness of my closet and said – ” I don’t know what you want me to say to you, but I cant live like this any longer. I don’t know whats wrong with me but I am tired of fighting with this. I am broken.” Then I heard inner voice, it was Jesus: ” You have never accepted my love, you always give it away to others, you need to let me inside of your heart. The reason why you are tired and cant go on any longer is because your own love tank will never be enough for everyone around you, nor it will be enough for yourself. Start with inviting me back into your heart and break the walls that you have built and let me fill you with my love“. I accepted this invitation and in a simple prayer chose to break the walls and allow Jesus to truly penetrate my heart.
When I choose to break the walls that were surrounding my heart I also chose to stop looking at my fears and disappointments, remembering past rejections of my life. I chose to forgive those who have hurt me and to set them free. I chose to give that ALL into the hands of my Creator. I simply handed it over to Him and that began my journey to complete freedom. I am rejoicing today that when I typed that list out for you earlier in this blog, not one of those things is longer a part of me. It is a HUGE victory! I spent many years not believing I am worthy of true love and freedom, but I am worthy and I am free today!
How to be set free from rejection?
Here I want to take a pause as I know some of you may not believe in Jesus, and I don’t want to just speak to believers here. If you are struggling with rejection and you don’t believe in God and you don’t want to dedicate your life to him – you can start your way of getting rid of this by seeking help of a professional counselor. Someone who is trained to guide you through healing of the past traumas that caused rejection within you. It will take away many symptoms, but I don’t know if it will truly get to the root of this problem, as in my opinion, this is deeply spiritual. My way to freedom was through Jesus and to be completely honest, I believe only our Creator, God – Jesus Christ can completely free us from these things. If you want to get to know Jesus, begin with dedicating your life to him and inviting him into your heart.
Dedicating your life to Jesus prayer: Jesus I don’t know you, but I want to know you. Today I choose to give you my heart, please take it into your hands and heal it. I choose to dedicate my life to you today. Please forgive me my sins, I thank you that you do. Please wash me clean, I thank you that you do. I believe that you died for me on the Cross and through your blood today I am washed clean and accepted into your Kingdom. May today be the beginning of my journey with you. I choose to trust you and turn away from my selfish and sinful ways from this day forward. Amen.
Rejection typically has four layers – Rejection of God, Self-Rejection, Fear of Rejection and Rejection of Others.
Rejection of God: Father God, I am sorry for all the times and all the ways I have rejected you, please forgive me. I repent for not believing you, for not listening to you and for refusing your love. I repent for not trusting you and for doubting your love for me. I repent for all the stubbornness, pride, self-will and rebellion that either I or my family have walked in. In the name of Jesus, I renounce all rejection of God, I renounce all involvement with any spirit that will lead me to reject God. I renounce and break all vows and covenants all soul ties and generational ties that would bind me to the rejection of God. I choose to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind. I renounce every spirit that has to do with the rejection of God and now as a choice of my will I break down this wall now in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.
Self-Rejection: Heavenly Father I repent for rejecting myself, I repent for all the negative things I thought and said about myself. I repent for not accepting myself and trying to be someone I never meant to be. I repent for not believing that I have worth and value just as I am. I turn away from rejecting myself and I renounce all lies I have believed about myself. I renounce and break every curse I have thought or spoken about myself. I choose to accept myself. I break all ties with self rejection and every spirit that would lead me to reject myself. I rise up now against this wall of self rejection and I break it down in Jesus name. AMEN.
Fear of Rejection: Holy God, I repent for giving in to the fear of rejection. I repent of all lying and deception, suspicion and mistrust and control and manipulation that either I or my family have given place to. I repent for trying to please people instead of you. Lord I repent of my self-protective behavior and all self pity. And now I renounce the fear of rejection and all the destructive behavior it has led me into. I renounce and break all soul ties and all generational ties to the fear of rejection. I break its hold in my life. I refuse to be bound to this fear any longer and I break down this wall of the fear of rejection. I break it down now in Jesus name. Amen. Fear of rejection, you must go.
Rejection of others: I repent of rejecting others. I ask you to forgive me for all the hurt and pain I have caused. I repent of my unforgiveness and resentment towards those who have hurt me. I repent of judging, blaming and criticizing them, for wanting to hurt them or tear them down. Spirit of rejection I renounce you and I renounce all the ways I have allowed you to influence me to reject others. I renounce all anger, unforgiveness, resentment and bitterness towards others. I renounce all soul ties and generational ties to the rejection of others. I choose to be a forgiving person and I release forgiveness to everyone who has hurt me. Spirit of rejection of others I rise up against you and I break down this wall of the rejection of others, I break it down now in Jesus name. Amen.
Final prayer: Rejection, I REJECT YOU in JESUS NAME – AMEN!
Saying these prayers has greatly changed my life and now is your turn 🙂 Today I pray for your freedom, whatever it is that you are going through in life – you are not alone and there is freedom and hope! It just takes a little bit of work and a lot of faith and you will get there. As always, if you need a prayer or any kind of support I am here for you. If you can share a testimony how my blog is resonating with you please write to me, this is what gives me Joy! My email is: email@example.com.