Cactus love

My heart has been heavy in the last few months carrying the pain of betrayal. I have not experienced it to this extend before and it was bone crushing painful. The feeling is very similar to rejection, yet it lingered for much longer and hurt deeper. It was like a punch that I did not expect, a punch from someone that I loved and trusted. Betrayal throws you off your feet and turns your World upside down. It is a roller coaster that you did not volunteer to go on…

The stages that I went through with my experience were shock, pain, anger, isolation, numbness and then forgiveness. Forgiveness brought freedom but the course of life has been altered from that moment on. Recently, I read in a book that “the older we get the harder it is for us to trust people due to known pain of betrayal and rejection”. In this exact way the life has been altered for me. Trust was extremely difficult. I enjoyed the comfort of my cocoon and not allowing anyone into my life. However, as you know from my past blogs and experiences – Isolation is a scary place to be. It is a place that tricks you into false sense of comfort and suffocates you slowly.

With Easter coming up I was especially uncomfortable with this heavy load and wanted to be freed from it. But how? In the past my family’s tradition was to clean the house prior to Easter. My grandma always insisted that we have to have a clean house for such important holiday. The old things were thrown away and the hard to reach places were dusted. Oh how I wished someone would reach into my heart and clean it up from the junk I accumulated. I wanted these experienced to be gone and  no longer to have power over me. I hated that I was falling asleep and waking up with them.

Throughout my life, God is the one who freed me from the junk in my heart, but for some reason this time I was restrictive from trusting God with my betrayal pain. I felt like protecting God from it, I thought He would know what to do with it because He loves my betrayers. The answer came on a Good Friday, three days before Easter. After reading the gospels about the story of Easter and going through the sounds of Easter online experience – God spoke deeply into my heart.

Jesus was betrayed with a kiss of one of his best friends….Jesus was crucified by the people that He loved and laid His life down for…. Jesus still loved and saved people while on the cross…

Wow, and here I was thinking I cannot trust Him with my pain from betrayal…He was the one who concurred the hardest form of betrayal, a form that caused His temporary death…. I sure am far from His experience… I sure can trust him with this…and with that I took a long deep breathe of Peace.

I heard the Easter story many times before and each year it resonates in a new way. It always resonates with something I am going through at that time. This year was deeply moving and this year the freedom and peace came in a powerful way. After realizing that Jesus has much experience with betrayal himself, I was able to lay mine down at His feet, forever! I allowed Him to cleanse my heart from the pain and memories of the betrayals I have experienced. I also was able to renew the vow to love his people and to trust again…

I pray that you also will find freedom from whatever it is that is lying heavy on your heart today.

Happy Easter! He is Risen!

Published by DL

Believer in Jesus. I live in Seattle. Happily Married and enjoying Motherhood. People find me very open and easy to talk to and this page is a place for me to share my life with you. I believe that when we share our lives we are able to learn and support one another. I named this blog "speckle of faith" because most of the times it takes one small speckle to turn things around. I will be posting about my speckles (life revelations) and daily miracles that are present in my life. Thank you for joining me!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: